Warning: The name and identities of these characters have not been altered a single bit. Read at your own discretion. This is based on a true story. Enjoy!
“44 Extreme Mid-Life Crisis Symptoms that you definitely need to know Now”
After a long extensive two year personal research and Discovery , I have come to the closure to my conclusion & friendship on one certain dangerous mammal. I got the privilege to name this specimen as well too!
I present to you:
The ” Extreme mid-life Crisis copycat-personality identity theft Toxicodendron radicans” (Yeah, thats the full blown aids name that I gave her) She belongs in the Plantae Kingdom but somehow she or he (maybe hermaphodite) morphed and took a human form by a series of extensive surgeries.
This plant somehow took a mammal form, had a serious case of the rabies with envy all along, and I was so dumb to not notice a single bit. Thankfully with the help of my extensive FBI/CIA/ James Bond 007 and Divine Intervention research, I could help humanity for once and for all.
This mammal also has fake ass psychic powers, or so, she claims . This raccoon looking thing doesn’t know that her powers are called big breasts ! I tried to warn her, but her head went up her arse.
I know that I got the privilege to discover this new species before it killed me with magic raccoon powers.
Yeah, Yeah, I know that I should feel flattered for my discovery but I am not a single bit proud of it, Instead, I am wrathful and sorry at letting this beast escape from it’s captivity!
With the guilt in my hands and responsibility that I should take in order to do my charity work in this Universe; I decided to give away her 44 extreme mid-life crisis symptoms for FREE of charge to humanity! She is extremely highly contagious, escaped the zoo that she willing admitted herself to but she also was bipolar so she changed her mind and decided to jump into a TV screen at will.
Discovery Channel is also delightfully interested in making a fortune out of this disfigured new mammal. I am also giving out a reward for her capture of 1M but the possibility of catching this beast is like trying to hit the Texas Powerball. She is out there acting like a human being, stealing peoples essence and walking and talking a lot among us.
I pray every night and I really hope that none of you ever get bitten by her and if you do it will all be over because she will take your form. Please read the symptoms with caution. Preventing this symptoms is so easy as 1-2-3 but once the “Extreme mid-life crisis raccoon” bites, it’s too late according to the CDC.
1. This naive raccoon looks like a woman around 35-44 years old. Google “Mid-Life Crisis Age” I attached a photo for proof and reference in case you need guidance. Same symptoms but hers are Extreme full blown supernova death star powerful!!!
2. Her elf height may vary depending on which stilettos, platforms, stilts, or clown shoes that she is wearing at the time. Most of the time she likes to wear pointy elf shoes with rainbow polka dots, so keep an eye on this.
3. Her buck teeth are from a bunny that she killed in WW2 after eating him voraciously with her old fangs that she also stole from Dracula.
4. She used to be a plant, to be precise, a weed at the time of birth
5. She has tons of poisonous vines and is capable of giving off a poison ivy rash, rabies or STDs.
6. Her year of Birth was Circa 300 million B.C according to my carbon data sample
7. She can talk for 5-10 hours straight with a single breath and not even get to the point.
8. Her IQ is the exact same IQ of a dying fish. My colleagues and I nicknamed her Dory.
9. Body type is that of an androgynous tranny under construction
10. Her face varies depending on who she is trying to imitate at the time. Last witness to see her in a landfill hill while screaming and banging on her chest before she ran away, told me that it was definitely imitating me but disfigured.
11. Her Haircolor is Ratchet-911 by L’Ofaké which reviews on ebay say that it is a super cheaper version of L’Oréal and wears off every 2 weeks or less.
12. She suffers from extreme personality disorder tremendously. This means she could be talking like a man then like a seal within seconds.
13. She has a tendency to be a great actor only at being a fifteen year old in springtime, but due to her elderly looks, she did not land a role on 13 going up to 30 (the only chance she had) because she auditioned for the 13 year old girl role. She was bad at acting her age or even acting at all but she is a damn star in her imagination.
14. She has the Monkey see, Monkey do effect. She tried flying once after she saw a crow to be honest.
15. We tried to put her in the mental hospital but she was not considered a human being at all. Thankfully she willing went to the zoo for a while.
16. She married a human being so that he could give her human rights, and Identity but she does not even know who she really is.
17. She tends to beg for attention on social media and it is a well known fact that the Like button feeds her humongous Ego.
18. When she goes on starvation mode to shed 10-15 pounds after begging her surgeon for a third tummy tuck and getting a 453th No, she claims that the Cosmos feeds her pixie dust every time you give her a Like.
19. She claims to be a newborn vegetarian but when she thinks that nobody is around she chugs liquid beef jerky in the form a chocolate milkshake. Yeah, nobody has told her that milk is not for vegetarians because they are afraid of being bitten.
20. She runs around prancing like a princess with little girls dresses that she buys at Children’s Place, Baby Gap, OshKosh B’gosh, A’GACI and Forever 21.
21. Cyber Begging has become a big issue for her due to too much greediness. Greedy, Greedy, Greedy.
22. Her favorite color is Green and loves Green eyes, and 100 dollar bills too. She might try to steal my green eyed boyfriend and make a necklace out of him because the emeralds on her jewelry are just not enough. Golosa!
23. She has not seen the whole 7 Star Wars movies but likes to look so “In” by stealing the only 2 lines that she knows from these movies. These two lines are. “May the force be with you” and “I am your father”
24. She can only remember the name Luke Skywalker and will definitely call males or females like him.
25. If you say ” Extreme mid-life Crisis copycat-personality identity theft Toxicodendron radicans” 3 times really loud at 3a.m she might appear with a bottle of wine and try to rape you. (I warn you, use extreme precaution)
26. While working on my research with this selfish plantae, she stole my personality, talents and everything she could with her supposedly magical raccoon powers. I just gave her a wink but she took it to another level. She is an Extremist, oh my!
27. If you ask her ” Who is Shakespeare?” she will hiss at you and run away.
28. She worships unicorns, oil lamps, Jar Jar Binks,downy detergent, bath salts and anything that she can Canonize as a Saint.
29. She will try to be a friend to you and as soon as you fall for it she will bite you and she will run away to another victim. If this occurs, I repeat, call the Centers of Disease Control immediately!
30. She is confused at the time because she does’t know wether to get a virginity restoration surgery or a male genitalia implantation because her cave is very eroded due to weathering.
31. Her human husband is estimated to be 80-105 in human years which means he needs his 12-16 hour sleep compared to an immortal weed in the extreme mid-life crisis. She will stay up all night long talking to herself like a Chachalaca bird under the effects of tequila or she will go with “Sanchito”, the only friend that she will not bite because they mutually share rabies in common.
32. Her extreme mania never has lows so you will definitely spot her if you look carefully under your wine cabinets.
33. She will take a super soaker gun thinking that it is a revolver and try to kill you if you do not hit her Facebook Like button….or literally face.
34. In her desperate attempts for attention she will occasionally post a Suicidal Jesus Christ meme online with the words “Hit Like and you will go to Heaven otherwise Jesus Christ will have to Kill me for the 50th time”
35. If you see a homeless man, please give them shelter because she likes to steal their hard earned money so she can get lots of surgeries.
36. She swears she can speak Fish along with Italian and Mandarin Oranges.
37. If she runs out of Juvederm collagen, she will steal your baby and make Children Soup disguised as “Chicken Soup” so she can look 2 million years younger.
38. Lyn Mai from Mexico is also offering a big juicy reward for her captivity because she might be her next victim, but Lyn Mai is more worried that in five years she will be her competition.
39. Selfie-itis is far away of from being her sole diagnosis because her obsession to take 10,000 photos a day also includes 10-15 filters per photo and 10 pounds of photoshopping.
40. It has been rumored for many years that she could be the next anti-christ or the cause for WW3, researchers are trying to find the missing link still…
41. She has unsuccessfully failed at making a philosopher stone out of red Play-Doh (she does not know that weeds never die because she is immortal)
42. In her quest for the Holy Grail, she ended up sinking her own ship on her way to the Himalayan mountains. We told her veterinarian not to teach her new tricks.
43. This creature is delusional and thinks that everyone wants his “Sanchito” , No thank you, the rabies is not good for humans.
44. This fugitive raccoon could be reading this right now and try to choke me or you with the force.
So if you see this chupacabra like creature please be careful. Thanks for taking your precautions and reading this. I hope it saves many lives out there. Peace
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